Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
