I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
