All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
