We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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