it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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