I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
