Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
