is your mom at the bar?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
