I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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