my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
