no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
