About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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