Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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