Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
