dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
