How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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