you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
