Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
