I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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