I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
