you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
