When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
