you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
