Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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