I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
