She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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