Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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