Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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