If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
