Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
