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• (925): View more from California

  I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs

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• (856): View more from New Jersey

  there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

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• (425): View more from Washington

  We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.

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• (810): View more from Michigan

  You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults

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• (281): View more from Texas

  Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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• 

  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

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• (315): View more from New York

  im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?

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• (936): View more from Texas

  Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?

  (713): View more from Texas

  You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.

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