The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
