After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This baby is an asshole
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
