they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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