so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
