yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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