I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
