you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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