Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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