This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
