Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
