Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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