You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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