Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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