Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
