dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
