Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
