Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How does it feel to date your dad?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
