Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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