in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
