I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
