I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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