pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
