Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
