Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
