you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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