so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
